92 of the best – and worst – Christmas cracker jokes

TV channel Gold ran a Twitter competition to give a much-needed modern update to the traditional and tired cracker joke, and the results are in. The top 10 includes references to the Queen, a controversial pop star and, of course, Mary and Joseph, and was compiled from the results of a 2,strong poll. How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger. How do you know if Santa’s been in your garden shed? You’ve got three extra hoes.

Miley Cyrus gag tops list of ten new Christmas jokes

On one hand, there is no reason that jokes should ever be that bad and, on the other, jokes are a that of money and resources, so think twice before jokes buy any. Christmas without further ado, here are 50 jokes that are definitely joke than the ones you’ll find in dating cracker. They are all awful!

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Cracker jokes shock – these ones are actually funny!

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Who would make that up? I would make that up.

What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker. (13%). 6. Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has.

A pun about controversial popstar Miley Cyrus has topped the list of our favourite new festive gags in a competition to modernise the traditional Christmas cracker joke. Also staking a claim in the Top 10 are witticisms about the Queen, speed dating and eBay, with laughs about Harry Styles, Shakespeare and Fairy Liquid just missing out on the top spots. We challenged wordsmiths to write their own original festive gags and enter their puns in a Twitter competition to revamp the outdated Christmas cracker joke.

And a poll of decided on the best. Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer. Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care.

Top modern Christmas cracker jokes revealed

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After a poll of Britons, the top ten funniest new festive jokes can now be (​14%); What did Santa do when he went speed dating?

Groans at corny Christmas cracker jokes are as much of a festive tradition as the turkey – almost three-quarters of us believe the gags are outdated. Groans at corny Christmas cracker jokes are now as much of a festive tradition as the turkey and tinsel. I now hope twerking becomes a new Christmas tradition Of the 2, people who voted nearly eight out of 10 said they still took time to read out jokes at the table. Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

Because they were two deer. How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger. Why is it getting harder to buy advent calendars? Because their days are numbered. Why was the Brussels sprout sent to prison? Because it was a repeat offender. How did Harry Potter know what he was getting for Christmas?

50 Christmas jokes that are better than the ones in your cracker

Christmas is one of the jolliest times of the year. So what better time to roll out some amusing gags? From fun modern Christmas cracker jokes to sometimes hilarious festive puns, these should entertain children, friends and relatives at parties and family gatherings. Receive the best of i in our teatime newsletter — sign up here. What is the best Christmas present in the world? What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?

What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker; How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey? On the dark side!

Everyone loves a Christmas cracker joke. And Glasgow jokes are always the best. Christmas is the time of year when family come together and cheesy comedy becomes acceptable again. Impress your family this festive season with our selection of extra cheesy Glasgow Christmas cracker jokes. Why wasn’t Jesus born in Glasgow? Because he needed a virgin and three wise men.

By Julie Gilbert.

The worst Christmas cracker jokes revealed

With their Do-you-think-he-sauruses and the mushroom who’s a fun guy to be with, Christmas cracker jokes have been inducing groans over the gravy for decades. But now comedian Richard Woolford has dragged them into with a new addition to the canon: “What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? It’s a cheering moment for the amateur comedian who has returned to the stand-up fray following a cancer battle.

What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?

has been voted the most groan-inducing Christmas cracker joke EVER, according to What happened to Santa when he went speed dating?

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The 32 funniest (and cheesiest) Christmas crackers jokes

The most cringe-worthy Christmas cracker jokes have been selected in a poll of Brits. A mince spy! A Christmas cracker! I am hoping my joke upgrades will have Brits cracking up around the country on Christmas Day. Researchers also found that one in three Brits say that a Christmas cracker is one of the festive traditions they secretly love along with Christmas music and carols and cheesy Christmas jumpers.

More than two in three of us say that crackers will be part of the normal Christmas Day for them.

What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker. What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time? One day.

A mince spy! A poll of 2, Brits revealed that one in five selected the festive rib-tickler as the cringiest joke ever pulled out of a traditional Christmas cracker. A Christmas quacker! They were two deer. But it also emerged that despite such weak gags, the pull of Christmas crackers remains strong for Brits, with three quarters admitting they enjoy reading out the jokes over Christmas dinner. Mane of thrones?

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